


Not Looking

by BurningSwan



Series: Attention [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: AU, Accidents, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Car Accidents, Character Deaths (mentioned), Confusing, Cute, Denial of Feelings, Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Insecurity, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstanding Feelings, Misunderstandings, Possible Character Death, Sad, cute but sad, possible major character death, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 04:24:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12763086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningSwan/pseuds/BurningSwan
Summary: I just thought that I could have stopped him.———That rainy day wouldn’t have been anything special but Izaya’s parents had died in an accident recently and somehow Shizuo knew about it and something changes.





	1. The Day It Was Raining, You Really Were Just Crying

**Author's Note:**

> Random idea I had that I just went with...
> 
> Apologies for the weird ending though, don’t know what happened there...
> 
> Hope you enjoy anyways
> 
>  
> 
> ~BurningSwan

The soft pitter patter of rain against the wet cement continued while he just stared down at the ground from under the canopy of a nearby store, sitting quietly and taking shelter from the light but persistent rain. The whole air permeated with the smell of damp humidity, making his clothes cling too tightly to his skin for comfort. Normally, he enjoyed the rain, but definitely not today when he knew his enemy was right around the corner and that once the rain let up it would back to their incessant chasing until he slipped away from the bartender-clad blonde.

He couldn't have expected this but then again, he never failed to predict anything Shizuo would do, nor could ever figure out what the blonde was thinking and he still felt that way whenever he reminded himself who was holding his hand, because even though he couldn't see who was sitting right around the corner, there was only one person who had been chasing after him and there was only one person he'd seen sit over there just out of his sight and just one person who had taken Izaya's hand that he'd put so close to the edge of the corner, maybe unconsciously expectant, even if he shouldn't have been. 

His left hand was the only thing that was warm, held by another much more powerful hand, but held so gently and tenderly Izaya had to doubt himself for believing it could possibly be Shizuo. Why would he, after all? They were supposed to be enemies, but their games and their chases kept blurring the lines between hate and love and honestly Izaya himself wasn't sure how he felt about it all. But he hadn't moved his hand away and maybe that meant something. 

"I'm sorry, Izaya. I heard about what happened." The soft whisper from somewhere unseen startles Izaya, but he knows the voice and now he can't backpedal on who's holding his hand because he knows. He knew. And for once, he was right about something when it came to the blonde. 

He feels something prickle at his eyes and he tells himself some rain must be getting to him even from where he sits under the canopy sheltering him from the rain.

"I'm not looking, so..." Shizuo's murmur only goes half-heard by Izaya, who's already so lost in thought as it was. 

There's nothing else it could be, honest-to-goodness, and Izaya can't help but squeeze that hand tighter as though it were his lifeline, as though it were the one thing grounding him to reality, the one thing tying him down on earth. Ironic considering he viewed himself as a god, as superior to humanity and even more superior to the beast acting unnaturally tamed and human holding his hand as what could be some act of comfort.

Not that Izaya would know because it was Shizuo and he knew he couldn't predict the man.

But that didn't stop him from being affected by the gesture, his heart warming and his cheeks burning. He was becoming more distracted by that than the reason Shizuo said anything in the first place. But there was still a lingering feeling of pain, sorrow, like a bitter thorn in his side and in his mind that was the only reason Shizuo was treating him differently, because surely the man still hated him, but he was still human despite Izaya's insistence otherwise, and he must think Izaya was also human at heart. Otherwise, Izaya would still be running away from Shizuo chasing him, their little game of chase. Exhilarating, but something was off this time. 

And it wasn't because it had started raining. Something had changed this time when Shizuo was running after him and Izaya didn't know what. But it was Shizuo who had changed something, perhaps unknowingly because he was stupid like that, and it was getting to Izaya's head and placing impossible ideas in his mind that he needed to get out because he couldn't get his hopes up just because Shizuo was proving that he was human despite what Izaya wanted to believe. 

After all, it was Shizuo who had started their rivalry and their conflict, not Izaya.

Though Shizuo hadn't been wrong to distrust Izaya.

He's thinking so much just to distract himself from the wetness of his face and the pain stabbing him in the chest, bitterly wrapping around his heart like icy claws and to distract himself from his warm left hand and the heat of his face and the dizziness in his mind, a giddy high he didn't want to come down from as much as he did because he knew how bad it would be to remain in a one-sided delusion. This was just necessitated kindness shown to him because something bad happened to him, nothing more. It was because he was now bereft of his parents and not because he meant anything special to the man holding his hand, who kept himself just out of view behind the corner of the wall and it's all suffocating just like the damp, humid air that's making him even more uncomfortable.

He shouldn't have let this happen, but he still can't help the swell in his heart that happens, nor can he stop himself from crushing it with the cynical and cruel truth that everything he was feeling wasn't shared with the other.

It was just him getting happy over such a small thing. It was just him that thought it meant something more than it did. It was just him who was getting his hopes up that this relationship could change and that they could start over and not be enemies anymore because it'd never been his choice to be enemies with Shizuo and it was always slowly killing him because he'd always believed he could never change that. 

His heart sank when the rain started letting up because it meant that the high would end and everything would return to their usual dynamic because for them change was impossible at this point because it'd been going on for too long and certainly Shizuo's feeling wouldn't suddenly change now, and definitely not a complete 180 from hate to love. Not that Izaya every thought that would happen, not for as much as he wished for it.

As soon as the rain stopped, he yanked back his hand, stood and ran away from there as fast as he could because he didn't want to know what happened after the rain stopped. He didn't want to know what they would become after the rain stopped and things were different. He didn't want to see the look on Shizuo's face, didn't want to imagine it for fear of what he might see. He didn't want to face the cruel reality he knew he would be faced with instead of the pleasant daydream he always hoped for.

He ran without seeing, ran blindly and without a care. So very, very careless. So very, very unlike him. 

He didn't see the car coming, but the car's driver noticed him but not soon enough.

The gleam of bright lights and panicked cries, a painful sound and everything so suddenly changed. There was red and white and black and yellow and nothing but indistinct shapes in those fleeting moments between consciousness and unconsciousness. How sad, how sad that this was how everything was going to end.

He looked at his left hand, a shapeless blur, a reminder of the warmth he had felt in life, the last thing he wanted to remember if now was truly his departure from life to death. If he was going to die like this, he should have taken a look at Shizuo's face before he ran off so that he wouldn't die with the uncertainty of what it all meant. But it was too late now, Shizuo was gone and he had run off too soon. He didn't want to think he regretted anything, but he had wished that Shizuo hadn't been able to read him so damn well and hate him right from the start. 

Tears sting his eyes but nothing matters when everything hurts and who he is will no longer matter when he takes his last breath and everything that was Orihara Izaya ended. He'd fade into the back of everyone's memories and no one would miss him, so nothing mattered. 

He can't hold his hand up anymore, so he drops it to his side, looks to the side at the damp asphalt only to see blood mixing in with the shallow puddles of muddy water. His eyes flutter because his thoughts are becoming disjointed and he can't keep himself awake when unconsciousness sounds so sweet because it will release him from the pain he's feeling and he won't have to think so much about what he was to Shizuo. When darkness come invitingly, he doesn't refuse the warm embrace it offers. 

He never cried, he tells himself, it was just the rain. Shizuo would never know because he said he wouldn't look and for some reason, Izaya trusted him, though that no longer mattered. 

———

'On a rainy day, with the air heavy from excess moisture and sky overcast with gray clouds, an accident occurred when a car hit a man running across the street.  The car managed to slow down before impact, but the man seemed badly injured and experts are unsure-'

The TV was shut off abruptly, cutting off the excessive news report and leaving a blank screen returning a blank stare.

"In other news," a voice murmured from behind the couch, wrapping their arms around the person sitting on the couch. "Didn't you miss me?" A dark chuckle escaped their lips.

"I guess not, right Shi~zu-chan?" But the person talking isn't Izaya and the person sitting on the couch isn't Shizuo. 

The man didn't answer, eyes narrowing at the now turned off TV.

"On that rainy day," he said somberly. "You were crying, weren't you." Said as a statement rather than a question.

The other man hummed. 

"That's for me to know and you to use your stupid brain to figure out." He answered with a sly simper on his face as he leaned over the couch and pressed a kiss to the other man's cheek. 

The silence was as heavy as the air had been on that day.


	2. The Day It Was Raining, I Just Thought Things Didn’t Always Have To Be The Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shizuo’s pov of the last chapter with a little more added in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a forewarning for those who are worried about this story being super angsty, the sequel is going to be mostly fluff to make up for this haha.
> 
> Is that a spoiler? Probably, haha.
> 
> Enjoy?
> 
> ~BurningSwan

The soft pitter patter of rain against the wet cement continued while he sat on the other side of the corner from Izaya, his right hand gently holding the other man's left hand. The whole air permeated with the smell of damp humidity, making his clothes cling too tightly to his skin for comfort. Normally, he hated the rain, but not today when his enemy was around the corner and he was given the chance to change their dynamic from it's usual same-old, same-old pattern because he thought that just because they were enemies didn't mean they always had to treat each other the way they always did.

He couldn't have known this would happen, but then again, Izaya never failed to surprise him. He would not have been able to predict that Izaya wouldn't pull his hand away and he still couldn't believe that there was still that smaller, delicate hand in his and even though he knew that it was Izaya's hand he was holding he didn't want to let go because he thought that, even though they were enemies, they didn’t have to always act the same every time they saw each other. Besides, Izaya's hand was cold and pale and trembling and it wouldn't kill him to comfort the man when he knew that the man couldn't be doing well when his parents had just died and even if Izaya pretended to be above humanity, he was just as human as everyone else and as much as Shizuo had hated to admit it, once he had, he felt bad for always treating Izaya as though he were less than human, even if he was usually an asshole.

His right hand was the only thing that was warm, holding another much smaller hand, very carefully and gently because it wasn't his intention to hurt Izaya and he still couldn't believe Izaya was letting him hold onto that hand. Why would he, after all? They were supposed to be enemies, but their games and their chases kept blurring the lines of being pure hatred and being something else entirely and honestly Shizuo wasn't quite sure what to make of it. But something was changing and neither of them had retracted their hand and maybe that meant something.

"I'm sorry, Izaya. I heard about what happened." The soft whisper doesn't sound like himself, doesn't match how he's supposed to sound when talking to the flea, but he can imagine that Izaya is probably suffering, even if he's done so well at hiding it that Shizuo wouldn't have known anything normally.

"I'm not looking, so you don't have to worry about anything." Shizuo hopes that's enough to convince Izaya he doesn't have to hide his emotions for just this short moment (fleetingly short, though it felt so long).

He feels reassured when Izaya squeezes his hand tightly and doesn't let go and maybe that normally would mean something else, but for Shizuo this was just changing up their dynamic as enemies. He was now certain Izaya was hurting and although he didn't know why, he wanted to comfort him and it provided the chance to not just be the Izaya and Shizuo who chased each other around.

But Shizuo still wasn't sure what Izaya was thinking, but nothing had changed since he grabbed that hand.

But that didn't stop him from being confused by his own gesture, didn't stop him from wondering why Izaya would let him keep holding that hand, from wondering just how badly Izaya needed someone there for him now that he had no one. He was becoming more distracted by that than the reason Izaya had squeezed his hand in the first place. They had stopped their chase because of the rain, Shizuo tells himself. Otherwise, Izaya would still be running away from Shizuo chasing him, their little game of chase. Exhilarating, but something was off this time and Shizuo noticed that Izaya wasn't acting the same and he knew why and he couldn't just let it go on when Izaya was clearly not at his best and for some reason, he didn't want to hurt the flea nor did he want to see the flea hurt.

Something had changed this time when he was running after Izaya and Shizuo couldn't ignore it. But he was the one who had decided to abruptly end their chase and the rain was just an excuse and they both knew it, but Shizuo would pretend otherwise and say it was because he didn't want to ruin his clothes. But the whole thing was making him reevaluate what it all meant because maybe it wasn't as simple as he was making it out to be, because even if Izaya was human and wasn't infallible, it still didn't make sense that he would let his enemy of all people comfort him unless there was something else. But Shizuo couldn't know what that was despite what he wanted to believe.

After all, it was Shizuo who had started their rivalry and their conflict, not Izaya, as much as he hated to admit it.

Though Shizuo hadn't necessarily been wrong when he thought that Izaya wasn't trustworthy.

Or at least, that's what he had thought until now, when he was forced to realize and understand that Izaya was also human as much as he pretended otherwise.

He just thought that Izaya needed a break. He just thought that he shouldn't push it too far when something so horrible had just happened. He just thought that Izaya needed someone there for him since there wasn't really anyone there for him.

But he also knew Izaya wouldn't want to see him and that he wouldn't want Shizuo to see him if he really was breaking down and crying just around the corner under the store's canopy protecting him from the rain. All he can hear is the sound of the rain, but he's sure there's something more he can't hear.

He wonders how exactly this all happened even though he was the one who had changed their dynamic and had crossed some line he hadn't even known to exist.

But he figures it doesn't matter when it feels pleasant to hold the other's hand, feel the warmth and to know that it's probably something close to what Izaya needed in the small respite from their usual antics and chases. But he had to wonder if all enemies did this. Did they also take breaks? He somehow had to doubt it and he almost frowned at the thought.

He'd just done this because he was tired of the same routine and he thought of changing things just slightly.

It wasn't supposed to mean anything huge was what he had thought, but maybe it was something else. Though he had no idea what.

He wasn't sure how he felt when the rain started letting up because it meant many things to Shizuo, but one of them meant that this would end and everything would return to their usual dynamic because that just seemed to be how things worked at this point because that's just how they were and maybe it had all surmounted to nothing. It could have been meaningless and Shizuo had to wonder if they really could change how they were, their entire dynamic. Not that Shizuo ever wanted that to happen, not for as much as he thought about it.

As soon as the rain stopped, Izaya yanked back his hand, stood and ran away from there as fast as he could and Shizuo didn't even have enough time to react. He stood and quickly followed after Izaya in the direction he had gone, not to resume their chase, but because something seemed wrong and he was worried about Izaya, who had seemed so fearful. Like he was afraid of letting Shizuo see his face or he was afraid of what would happen when the rain stopped. Maybe that meant that he, too, didn't want to return to what they were, what they had been before Shizuo had crossed a line he couldn't see. And yet, he ran away.

Shizuo ran as fast as he could, searching for anything that would alert him to where the flea was in the throngs of people crowding the sidewalks.

He slowed when he spotted Izaya and his heart leapt into a panic when he saw a oncoming car heading straight towards Izaya. The driver managed to slow down a little when he saw Izaya, but not enough to prevent the accident.

He shuddered at the sound upon impact and felt sick to his stomach when he saw Izaya lying on the ground in a quickly growing puddle of blood and rain and mud. There was people screaming and gawking and panicking, but Shizuo just stared, transfixed.

He saw Izaya raise his left hand, the one he had just been holding earlier, and held it above his eyes as though to block out the sun for his left eye, but Shizuo knew it probably meant something else. Izaya was thinking about what had happened just moments before that had led to his lying broken and bleeding on the wet asphalt. Shizuo wasn't sure if this was his fault, wasn't sure if the guilt gnawing at him was justified, but he felt so sorrowful looking at the broken creature lying on the asphalt, even when he was supposed to be his most hated enemy and he should be rejoicing that he'll be gone. But he knows in the depths of his soul that he no longer hated Izaya as much as he used to. Not while knowing the man was also human and could be hurt emotionally just like everyone else.

He feels something prickle at his eyes, but he brushes it off as the wind until he feels something wet rolling down his cheeks and it's not rain. He tries to tell himself Izaya will be fine, but he feels nauseous every time he sees the blood, and the ambulance the driver called still hasn't arrived yet.

He panics when he sees Izaya drop his hand and turns his head to the side because he fears what that means. He doesn't want to believe that Izaya will die, but anxiety and guilt is eating at him and he can barely stand looking at the accident. He feels a little bit better when the driver announces Izaya's still breathing and just unconscious, but the nagging feeling doesn't leave and he's starting to blame himself for everything because if he'd never started their rivalry, then he wouldn't have tried to change it and Izaya wouldn't have run away and he wouldn't be lying on the asphalt in a puddle of bloody water.

Izaya probably cried, he tells himself, but if anyone asks, it was just the rain. He would never know though, because he said he wouldn't look and he hadn't, and for some reason, Izaya had trusted him, though that wasn't what mattered.

———

'On a rainy day, with the air heavy from excess moisture and sky overcast with gray clouds, an accident occurred when a car hit a man running across the street. The car managed to slow down before impact, but the man seemed badly injured and experts are unsure-'

The TV was shut off abruptly, cutting off the excessive news report and leaving a blank screen returning a blank stare. He doesn't look over his shoulder at the man who turned off the TV.

"In other news," a familiar voice murmured from behind the couch, wrapping their arms around the person sitting on the couch. "Didn't you miss me?" A dark chuckle escaped their lips before they even get an answer.

"I guess not, right Shi~zu-chan?" But the person talking isn't Izaya and the person sitting on the couch isn't Shizuo. They are simply the people who could have been, but weren't. Even while dreaming, Shizuo was aware what he was experiencing wasn't real.

The man didn't answer, eyes narrowing at the now turned off TV.

"On that rainy day," he said somberly. "You were crying, weren't you." Said as a statement rather than a question.

The other man hummed.

"That's for me to know and you to use your stupid brain to figure out." He answered with a sly simper on his face as he leaned over the couch and pressed a kiss to the other man's cheek.

The silence was as heavy as the air had been on that day.

———

He wakes up the next morning from a strange dream and he knows that it was about what could have happened if he had made sure that hand never slipped away from his. It's also a realization that what he felt towards Izaya when he didn't want things to be as they always were, that it was love, and not what he had mistaken it to be. He needs to know something.

He calls the hospital and holds his breath.


End file.
